A piece of advice for parents of high school age kids

Please do not wait until your child is graduating to start your search for a program after school. Talk to people, look on line for programs , get as much information as possible and you still may find that you have to kind of settle for a second or third choice until you can get the one you want. Take note that many of these programs end with the age of around 22 years old. This doesn't leave much time. By the way, I believe it is just silly to think that our children can learn all they need to be an adult in life by then! Many young adults don't even know what they want to do with their life at that age. How can we expect that our children with autism will by ready for adulthood? Obviously, I have been thinking about this a lot lately. We parents have so much to do no think about for our children/young adults that when things get in our head we need to vent! Haha... I am just a mom, I believe being a parent was all I've have ever been good at and I think we have done great with our children. The problem is when you have a child that needs more from the world than you can give, life becomes extremely frustrating. Raising children is hard enough without having to depend on the state/government to help give your child what they need to have a better life. I do understand that within the umbrella of autism there are many abilities and needs, I do not pretend that there are bigger issues and needs than what our son needs, but when you are in it and live it every day all you care about in that time is what your child needs. I know that is true for most every parent. One day things will get better and I hope someone reads this that can and will help all those touched by autism. I am doing what I can by trying to help the next family any way I can. That is my goal, I don't know how to help except to start a conversation and hope it goes somewhere... You are not alone, we are in this together, as a family. Lets help each other!

Puzzled

I started this blog because I really want to share our experiences in the chance that it may help someone else out there who needs some support. I have given my number to many people who have young children with autism and I wonder what keeps than from calling, even just to vent. So, I thought I would let you all know that I check the blog numerous times a day in case someone has a question or concern. I am aware that all of our children are different and have many different issues, but even if I don't have an answer, someone reading might and I would try to find some information on whatever topic discussed. Parents, there are so many people out there to help or even just talk to. Please talk to someone because this is too hard to do alone. Get advice from people you trust and books or anything that my help you process what is going on; some of the things you read or hear will apply and some won't. Remember that no one wrote a book on your child, take from the information what applies to your child and skip the rest you have enough to worry about. I had to come to that realization in a time of real frustration with a stage Keith was going through while my husband was deployed after 9/11. After this, I was able to get back on track with our son and take different things from different sources of information that I could use or understand with Keith. I try to stress that the more you work with your child on even the smallest of things they can do independently the less stress for every one. I know some may say it is easy for me to say because my son is an adult, well getting him were he is today too a lot of work, tears, patience (which I am not known for). The goal in raising children is to raise a good, independent person, try to keep in mind that they will grow up one day and they need to learn all they are capable of learning because we will not always be there for them. Set them up for success as much as you can, these children deserve that from us and all things offered to them. Demand what they need and don't settle. If you don't feel heard, keep having meetings until you get to someone who makes the changes needed. The idea is the school and family work together for the child to be the best version of themselves they can be, so parents do your part and make the schools do theirs.Please feel free to ask questions or leave comments for me!! You can add me on Facebook or Email me at any time!! Your feedback is greatly appreciated!! Also, if you know of any autism awareness event or want to share your story, please do so!! Thank you to everyone for reading and sharing!!  ~A Proud Mom~

Leave it to my son...

Yet again Keith opens my eyes. As I have probably stated before he continues to teach us about who he is and how he learns. The past few weeks Keith has been showing us a more engaging, social side of him that we have not really seen. 
I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and although we may not know or understand the reasoning at the time, it works out for the best in the end. As parents we carry our children's struggles more than their accomplishments, this is as it should be, but it can make things very difficult at times. Last spring we had our son quit his job because we thought he was going to go to college and wanted him to focus on school more so we thought this was a sound diction, turns out we really could not afford the program at this college. Now he has no job and no school! You can imagine our frustration and guilt! It seemed we had made all kind of mistakes and allowed our excitement take over. 
Since than Keith has not been working and has not been very happy about sitting in his room. Now understand this is the child who usually wanted to just be in his room and focus on his movie ideas. He thought he could just go make a movie and be rich, that easy--even though we have had many very honest conversations about how difficult it is to be the next Steven 

Spielberg  I say all this because now he seems to have more of an understanding about how life works, now he just wants a job while he works on his movie ideas. I knew that it would take time, but even after all his 21 years, I still get so consumed with his current thinking or behavior that I forget that the day usually comes when he just gets it! 
Know that it is normal to get a little caught up sometimes, but it's okay. They will show you when they understand something new, and no matter the age the thrill of there accomplishments are always just as exciting! We are all learning our way through life, we should enjoy the education with our children. No one's life is meant to be like anyone else's, so enjoy the life you have, you may stumble, you may even fall, but as long as you don't give up your child won't either!

Please feel free to ask questions or leave comments for me!! You can add me on Facebook or Email me at any time!! Your feedback is greatly appreciated!!

Also, if you know of any autism awareness event or want to share your story, please do so!!

Thank you to everyone for reading and sharing!! 

~A Proud Mom~

Visual Lists

Before I even knew there was a name for it or that people had been using this technique with children with autism, I had just figured it out by myself. Visual lists can be a huge game changer in helping your child understand the process of things; which can be extremely helpful for the parents. Because most children with autism have a difficult time with change and/or remembering to do things, having a list with pictures and words eventually will help the child know what to do or expect.  Think about it, we all use things like calendars, cell phones, agendas to help organize our days, weeks, and years. A visual list for a child is the same thing. Though it should be more detailed and animated as to keep the child's attention it serves the same purpose. Just as we use these techniques to prepare us for our day, this will help most children be more at ease because they will know what is supposed to happen next and will feel in control of what is happening. What helped me a lot was to realize that the way my son, and other people with autism see the world extremely differently than the way that we do. Imagine you are in a large arena full of people and they are all yelling different things at you all at once. That is what is going through the mind of a person who has autism at all times. Though it is hard to imagine your own child having to deal with this on a daily basis, it will help you learn how to teach them what they will need in life. Please understand, I know that in the beginning it will be very trying and difficult for everyone, but in the end it will help with even the smallest things to bigger ones. Lists can be made for brushing teeth, getting dressed, going to school, going to a friend or families house, doctor's visits, manners in restaurants, etcetera... The possibilities are endless and there is nothing like the satisfaction you get as a parent to watch your child grow and learn knowing you are a big part of that. We made a morning list, after school list, dinner list, and a night night list and at the end of the week if he did well he had a small reward for working so hard.  I hope that this helps someone out there. If you have any questions please contact me anytime. If you have any questions please feel free to comment here, email me, or contact me via my Facebook. Thanks for reading!! ~A Proud Mom~

Prepping For Changes

When doing research on autism, you will see that one of the main things that the kids have a hard time with is change. It can be anything from small changes such as putting on a different shirt to going to a new school, or even moving to a new home. All of these things can cause a lot of stress for the child and parents if the child is not prepared for these changes. Of course we all know that in life things happen last minute and we don't always have control over those types of situations; this is why having some tools in place for these occasions is a big help. 
The best place to start is with day to day activities such as a visual list because this will help your child feel more comfortable being that they know what will happen next. Basically, a visual list can give a step by step guide to many things the child may need to learn and because of this there is less stress and or tantrums. (Check my next post for more on visual lists!) Try putting yourself in the place of your child. If you were put in a situation that terrified you and had no clue what was going to happen next, you would freak out too. I have always tried to see things through my son's eyes which gave me a greater insight into how he thinks allowing me to teach him more easily over the years. Granted, somethings may have been harder to understand than others, but eventually he would just figure it out or something would happen that gave me a clue as to how to help him grasp concepts better.
To give a little background, my husband was in the army for twenty years which cause for a lot of moving, packing, traveling, schools, teachers, doctors, houses, rooms, therapist, the list goes on and on. This required all of us, especially my son, Keith, become acclimatized to change early and often. I feel that we have had a lot of practice preparing him for change.
Here are a few things that we did that helped Keith in preparation for change:

• Regularly talk about the change that was coming
• Mark event on a calendar that is in a central location in the house
• Mark event on a calendar that is kept in the child's room
• Even when nothing specific is happening soon, always cross of each day on the calendars with the child 
• Count down the days with the child
• If possible, show the child visuals of what the change may look like. (i.e. pictures, video clips of others experiencing it, etc...)
• Communicate with the child's teacher(s)

These methods can also assist with occasions that the child just doesn't enjoy in general. (i.e. doctor/dentist appointments, first day/last day of school, etc..) We have always used these methods in order to prepare Keith for small things like when school vacations or birthdays or coming, to big moves. 

I was a hair stylist and once a year we host a Cut-A-Thon for autism where I met more children, teens and adults with autism. This lead me to analyzing this necessity of life for those with autism. I found that most mothers would attempt to cut the child's hair themselves so as to not to have to go through the stress of asking some stranger who may not understand the situation.  A haircut does not sound like a big deal but to those with autism, it really is. Being that the Cut-A-Thon was a large event that was planned for months, families would let their relatives or children with autism know about it a very long time in advance making the haircut easier for me and the person receiving it as well. Those who are more high-functioning also looked forward to an event promoting awareness and meeting others who understand them. 
After giving this a lot of thought, preparing the child for a hair appointment and other necessities like dentist and doctors can be done with less tears with the appropriate approach. Once I understood Keith's need for reassurance, reminders and routine, I knew that I could really help him. 
I would suggest the following when an appointment of some sort is approaching: (Adjust to fit your child)

• First inform the child about the need for the appointment and that everyone has to do it even mom and dad. 
• Speak to the receptionist, stylist, dentist, or doctor about bringing the child in before the day of the actual appointment just to begin to become familiar with the atmosphere. If possible, have the child meet the person(s) who will be helping them when they come for their appointment as well of a mini-tour of the office, salon, etc... (Repeat this step as many times as necessary.)
• During these pre-visits consistently talk to the child about what will happen during the appointment, when, why, and if possible have the child watch someone else, such as a sibling or yourself go through the motions of the appointment. With haircuts, dentist/doctor appointments, my daughter (when possible) would always let Keith sit and watch her  uring her appointment first. This way he would know what to expect when it was his turn.

• With the child make a visual list or index cards with pictures depicting what happens when the child goes to the doctor, therapist, dentist, salon, etc... 
• Go over the list at home the day before and the day of the appointment as well as in the car before going into the building. 

This may seem like a lot, but the places that you make these appointments will not refuse you these things because they are necessary. (Besides, if they do not want to cooperate in making your child comfortable, they will lose your business. It's that simple.) All of these steps will assist your child in accepting change with more and more ease as they grow and mature.There is nothing like the pride you will feel when you see that the tools you gave your child actually helped them to grow. As time goes on dealing with change will be as simple as a conversation and reminders of past situations they made it through.
I do understand that autism is a huge umbrella that range all over, but I beg you, please know that with some patience and time any child can improve in even the smallest of ways just don't give up on them.

Thank you for reading! Please leave comments, suggestions or questions! I will gladly answer any questions that you have for me or write about topics that you suggest! Don't forget to subscribe to my blog or add me on Facebook!
If you'd like, feel free to email me as well! 

~A Proud Mom~

Siblings of Children With Autism

My daughter, Denyse, and son, Keith

When you have a child with special needs and other children without, things can become quite difficult. The attention that the other child/children receive can sometimes become more limited in comparison to those with special needs.. While raising our children I tried very hard to let my daughter, Denyse, know how important she is. I also grew up with a sister that needed a lot of extra attention and wanted to make sure that my daughter knew that she was just as important as her brother.
We continually made efforts to do things just with or for her throughout her childhood. Denyse played softball most of her school years and we made a point to go to all of her games and practices. Keith was born only two and a half years after her, causing her to never know any different than to have a little brother like him. However, I would still make sure to connect with her often about Keith and why things in our lives weren't identical to those of her peers.

Denyse loves her brother and has always been like a second mother to him. She was very protective of him with children that came over to play and had questions about him. Any child does not come into contact with those with special needs does not understand behaviors thought of as "different."

During my son's toddler years, he spoke a language that only Denyse could understand and she would act as a little translator for him. He would become frustrated that my husband and I could not understand him, but she would always be there to help him express himself. Upon my son being scolded or spanked by my husband or me, we would here Denyse sneak into his room and hold him in his bed, soothing his tears, telling him everything is okay, and that she loved him.

When Keith was no more than four or five, a neighbor friend of Denyse's came over to play and Keith was still unable to speak. He was speaking "his language" in an enthusiastic manner alone in his room as the girls walked by. The neighbor laughed at him and asked my daughter if he was crazy. Denyse became outraged and shouted at her friend, telling her to get out of our house and that she could never come back. This was the first of many times that she felt as though she had to protect him while they were growing up. She has always come to his rescue, and he to hers.

If Denyse was ever in trouble for any reason he would inquire about why she was in trouble and try to re-negotiate with the authority at hand in order to get her out of it. Upon first moving to Florida Denyse and Keith were on their way to a movie when they got into a fender-bender that was Denyse's fault. Denyse explained to him that she should have been paying more attention and that everything would be okay. He was so concerned that she would be punished when they returned home that before she could say anything, he began to plead with us to not punish her. Keith made sure to remind us that everyone makes mistakes and that Denyse had learned her lesson.

I find their affection for one another to be adorable! I am so proud to have raised two adults with such empathy and compassion in their hearts. I see other families with similar sibling arrangements in which the sibling(s) without special needs are never taught to embrace the differences between themselves and their siblings. That is not to say that these children do not love and pay attention to their sibling(s) with special needs, but they often do not understand fully what is "different" about them nor do they have a true understanding of their siblings.

Like most young adults and their parents, Denyse does not always see eye to eye on things with her father and I and we have had our issues, but nothing has ever changed between her and Keith. I wish that my sister and I would have had the sort of support and communication from our parents like we did with our children because I the love that they share is truly amazing. My sister and I get along great now, being women in their forties, but in hind sight I wish we would've been like this all along.

If you have a child with special needs and another child without, please make sure to communicate with them effectively about what makes each of them special and important. Make sure that they understand one another and learn to never judge another individual for any reason. Like all things to do with raising children, make sure to use and instill patience in your children, especially when one of them has special needs.

Always make efforts to talk to, spend time with, and play with any other children you have. Although it is hard to spread your time out, even the smallest things can make a difference such as reading with them alone in their room before bed or taking them with you for small shopping trips. The littlest things make a huge difference...Remember that children need you more than material things.

Please leave comment or questions that you would like me to answer!! What are some things you would like to see me write about? I am open to any suggestions you may have!

~A Proud Mom~

Below are some photos of Keith and Denyse

The Touchy Subject of Discipline: How do you discipline your child with autism?

We all know that discipline is a subject that gets many people on edge. I truly believe that all children need discipline, but to make it effective you have to find out what will work for each child. As the child grows the types of discipline have to grow and change with the child. I believe in spanking, but please understand that a spanking is much different than beating! I would never condone abuse! We learned that discipline had to be different with each of our children and spanking was not always the answer. I am a strict parent and I always expected our children to behave, however we always had a lot of fun together: we were silly, played games, and read together. I always tried to be the best parent I could be and I truly believe that good discipline is a big part of that.
Figuring out how to disciple a child with autism has some challenges, but they still must have boundaries and rules--actually they need more. Think of it this way, by doing this they will be more ready for what the world will have in store for them. Lets face it, a person with special needs will have more obstacles than most, preparing them will be hard, challenging, and seem improbable at times, but know that you are setting them up for the best life they can have. When it gets hard, just remember that you are really helping them.
At times we still have to tell Keith things that we have been saying since he was little, which can get repetitive and frustrating. Please know that wherever your child is now will improve if you help them learn to be as independent as possible. It will also take stress off of you as the parent knowing they can do most of the self-care by themselves. Words cannot describe the true joy that you will feel when they master a task on their own! Many times you can't gauge when it will happen but when it does nothing else matters: all the struggling, stress, and tears that build up to that moment in time all melt away to just pure happiness! Tears of joy and pride fill you as you realize that although it will take time and work, anything is possible. 

Discipline is not easy but when you find what works it makes all things easier to teach. Take baby steps with everything and it will all work out. Know that you are helping them learn to control themselves and once they can do that, everything else that they could possibly want to do become more possible. Another thing to keep in mind is that when we don't punish our children, autism or not, we are limiting them. Never think that you are pushing your child to do something that they will never grasp or understand. When you do that to them, autism isn't putting a cap on their abilities or their minds, you are. Push them and encourage them to keep trying and learning; do not use autism or any other difference be an excuse for their behavior. That is not to say you should be extremely harsh on them or mean, but I am saying that the capabilities of your children will always surprise you when you give them the opportunity to show you what they are.

Please leave comments, questions, or suggestions for future posts!! Thanks for reading!!

~A Proud  Mom~

Through His Eyes

At first the shock of that moment in the doctors office was unbearable, painful and terrifying! When my son ran into my arms, I wanted to take all of this away from him; as a parent when your child hurts you hurt. It took a while, but I had to learn that he wasn't hurting as I was. Keith has always had a strength in him...Some look at him and think he is unaware of the world around him. Say what you will, but I would much rather see the world through his eyes: completely content no matter what happens, whether is was due to lack of awareness or not. Nevertheless, from that day on, I consumed myself with finding out all I could about what autism was and wanted to know why and how this happens. I learned that when one hurts for any reason, most of it comes from wanting the answer to questions that start with these two words. "Why" and "how" cause so many people stress for years only leading to more confusion causing more anxiety. After years of blaming myself because there was no one else to blame, I realized that my focus was misplaced. Though I was using all the information I could to teach him, I wasn't allowing him to teach me. Things became so clear for me at different stages of his life because I learned to pay attention to how he saw things, which allowed me to help him in a way that was less stressful for everyone and more effective. To this day I try to pay close attention to how he sees things in order to help him...It isn't always easy for us, but we have to keep trying. Keith can do many things for himself because he wants to be independent and one day live on his own. That is something we all want for him, because it is something he wants for himself; one day that will happen! Everyone has heard that saying "you can't choose your family", but I would choose this life and this family every time! I am truly blessed to have the kids that I have and to have my best friend and husband beside me! Please feel free to leave a comment because I am grateful to have them!! Thanks for reading!! ~A Proud Mom~

Then and Now

When we heard the word "autism" come out of the doctors mouth, it was as if I had heard it in slow motion. This was curse word to me that I couldn't deal with--or so I thought.  Our son, Keith, couldn't have proved me more wrong about what a autism was. He opened my eyes to the fact that not all people with autism are the same and that he could do so much more than the doctors thought he could. I immersed myself in all of the information I could find, but nothing really completely described Keith. At first it concerned me, but then I came to realize that though he has autism, autism isn't who he is, just part of him. That's when it got easier for everyone, although we worked hard as a family with Keith, we had to realize that allowing him to teach us how to teach him made life less stressful for everyone. Parenting is difficult at times no matter what, but in my opinion being a good parent is about getting to know you're child at every stage of life, because they grow up so fast. Sometimes it's hard to keep up with all the stages our children go through, (while parents are going through our own); the bottom line is that as parents it's our job to be there for our children and raise them the best we can. Parenting a child with special needs takes a lot of time, patience, and understanding. Know that you are not alone in this and that everything gets better in time. Take joy in the goals met, no matter how big or small, and look forward to the goals ahead. Believe that they can do anything and know that you can too. Please feel free to leave a comment because I am grateful to have them!! Thanks for reading!! ~A Proud Mom~

Why Is There Nothing For Him Now?

            Sometimes I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs! It feels as if we just received the diagnosis all over again. At almost 22 yrs of age our son, Keith, cannot find a simple job, and even those are hard to get. I know that this economy has hit everyone hard. I know that more than most because I had to quite me job as a stylist not just due to back pain, but because there just wasn’t enough clients to struggle through it.

I truly feel that kick in the gut again: as though Keith was 5 years old and had just run out of the doctor’s office straight to me… as if he couldn’t wait to get away from this man who kept asking him questions that he couldn’t answer. That moment changed everything. We did all we could to prepare him for this world and life: read all the books, did the entire list thing, taught him manners, how to care for himself, cook, clean, wash clothes--he probably does more than most at his age. But, it seems that in the end it just is not enough. All this time, work, and patience for what? For him to still be unable to get a job and still live at home? This is not at all what we thought would happen for his life. We prepared him for a life with a job and his own place, just like anyone else. Now he is wondering why he can’t have those things. Yes, we have always been very real with him about things, but this is something I can’t understand. We feel helpless…and that is the worst feeling a parent can have.

What are we supposed to do? How are we supposed to get him to the next stage of life as an adult? There is a huge gap in the system for these young adults once all the schooling is over. Yes, there are other programs out there, but unless they help attain permanent employment what good are they? The young adults get experience, which I am very grateful for, but once the program is over, it’s over. Parents do not have it so easy: trying to help their child find work isn’t as helpful as a program finding the child work. We get the “look” and they are not excepting applications at this time, or just go on our website and fill out an application. Still no calls, even if there is some experience.

Autism has become more prevalent in the last 20 years and still there are not many answers to why or how. As a parent it took many tears/years to get past the why’s and focus on how we could make Keith’s life the best life it could be. I always say that he has taught us more than we taught him, but the part of this world we had to see was not always positive. Now more than ever we live in a world where everyone wants to be heard and understood to the point that there are laws changing to accommodate their beliefs.  There are many issues out there that mean a lot to many people and they fight for the, but all I want to fight for is my son. I want to fight for what he deserves and I do not believe having a job is asking too much.

There are many families that just accept what society offers without really trying, but I want more for my son than just sitting in his room all day. I want what he wants: a life just like everyone else with a job he can be proud of. Keith has goals and although I know his goals are pretty high, I cannot and will not shoot them down. He deserves a chance...and is that not what everyone wants? Just because people have autism doesn't mean they don’t want a life outside their bed room.

Please feel free to leave a comment because I am grateful to have them!! Thanks for reading!!

                                                                                                          ~A Proud Mom~