Siblings of Children With Autism

My daughter, Denyse, and son, Keith

When you have a child with special needs and other children without, things can become quite difficult. The attention that the other child/children receive can sometimes become more limited in comparison to those with special needs.. While raising our children I tried very hard to let my daughter, Denyse, know how important she is. I also grew up with a sister that needed a lot of extra attention and wanted to make sure that my daughter knew that she was just as important as her brother.
We continually made efforts to do things just with or for her throughout her childhood. Denyse played softball most of her school years and we made a point to go to all of her games and practices. Keith was born only two and a half years after her, causing her to never know any different than to have a little brother like him. However, I would still make sure to connect with her often about Keith and why things in our lives weren't identical to those of her peers.

Denyse loves her brother and has always been like a second mother to him. She was very protective of him with children that came over to play and had questions about him. Any child does not come into contact with those with special needs does not understand behaviors thought of as "different."

During my son's toddler years, he spoke a language that only Denyse could understand and she would act as a little translator for him. He would become frustrated that my husband and I could not understand him, but she would always be there to help him express himself. Upon my son being scolded or spanked by my husband or me, we would here Denyse sneak into his room and hold him in his bed, soothing his tears, telling him everything is okay, and that she loved him.

When Keith was no more than four or five, a neighbor friend of Denyse's came over to play and Keith was still unable to speak. He was speaking "his language" in an enthusiastic manner alone in his room as the girls walked by. The neighbor laughed at him and asked my daughter if he was crazy. Denyse became outraged and shouted at her friend, telling her to get out of our house and that she could never come back. This was the first of many times that she felt as though she had to protect him while they were growing up. She has always come to his rescue, and he to hers.

If Denyse was ever in trouble for any reason he would inquire about why she was in trouble and try to re-negotiate with the authority at hand in order to get her out of it. Upon first moving to Florida Denyse and Keith were on their way to a movie when they got into a fender-bender that was Denyse's fault. Denyse explained to him that she should have been paying more attention and that everything would be okay. He was so concerned that she would be punished when they returned home that before she could say anything, he began to plead with us to not punish her. Keith made sure to remind us that everyone makes mistakes and that Denyse had learned her lesson.

I find their affection for one another to be adorable! I am so proud to have raised two adults with such empathy and compassion in their hearts. I see other families with similar sibling arrangements in which the sibling(s) without special needs are never taught to embrace the differences between themselves and their siblings. That is not to say that these children do not love and pay attention to their sibling(s) with special needs, but they often do not understand fully what is "different" about them nor do they have a true understanding of their siblings.

Like most young adults and their parents, Denyse does not always see eye to eye on things with her father and I and we have had our issues, but nothing has ever changed between her and Keith. I wish that my sister and I would have had the sort of support and communication from our parents like we did with our children because I the love that they share is truly amazing. My sister and I get along great now, being women in their forties, but in hind sight I wish we would've been like this all along.

If you have a child with special needs and another child without, please make sure to communicate with them effectively about what makes each of them special and important. Make sure that they understand one another and learn to never judge another individual for any reason. Like all things to do with raising children, make sure to use and instill patience in your children, especially when one of them has special needs.

Always make efforts to talk to, spend time with, and play with any other children you have. Although it is hard to spread your time out, even the smallest things can make a difference such as reading with them alone in their room before bed or taking them with you for small shopping trips. The littlest things make a huge difference...Remember that children need you more than material things.

Please leave comment or questions that you would like me to answer!! What are some things you would like to see me write about? I am open to any suggestions you may have!

~A Proud Mom~

Below are some photos of Keith and Denyse

The Touchy Subject of Discipline: How do you discipline your child with autism?

We all know that discipline is a subject that gets many people on edge. I truly believe that all children need discipline, but to make it effective you have to find out what will work for each child. As the child grows the types of discipline have to grow and change with the child. I believe in spanking, but please understand that a spanking is much different than beating! I would never condone abuse! We learned that discipline had to be different with each of our children and spanking was not always the answer. I am a strict parent and I always expected our children to behave, however we always had a lot of fun together: we were silly, played games, and read together. I always tried to be the best parent I could be and I truly believe that good discipline is a big part of that.
Figuring out how to disciple a child with autism has some challenges, but they still must have boundaries and rules--actually they need more. Think of it this way, by doing this they will be more ready for what the world will have in store for them. Lets face it, a person with special needs will have more obstacles than most, preparing them will be hard, challenging, and seem improbable at times, but know that you are setting them up for the best life they can have. When it gets hard, just remember that you are really helping them.
At times we still have to tell Keith things that we have been saying since he was little, which can get repetitive and frustrating. Please know that wherever your child is now will improve if you help them learn to be as independent as possible. It will also take stress off of you as the parent knowing they can do most of the self-care by themselves. Words cannot describe the true joy that you will feel when they master a task on their own! Many times you can't gauge when it will happen but when it does nothing else matters: all the struggling, stress, and tears that build up to that moment in time all melt away to just pure happiness! Tears of joy and pride fill you as you realize that although it will take time and work, anything is possible. 

Discipline is not easy but when you find what works it makes all things easier to teach. Take baby steps with everything and it will all work out. Know that you are helping them learn to control themselves and once they can do that, everything else that they could possibly want to do become more possible. Another thing to keep in mind is that when we don't punish our children, autism or not, we are limiting them. Never think that you are pushing your child to do something that they will never grasp or understand. When you do that to them, autism isn't putting a cap on their abilities or their minds, you are. Push them and encourage them to keep trying and learning; do not use autism or any other difference be an excuse for their behavior. That is not to say you should be extremely harsh on them or mean, but I am saying that the capabilities of your children will always surprise you when you give them the opportunity to show you what they are.

Please leave comments, questions, or suggestions for future posts!! Thanks for reading!!

~A Proud  Mom~

Through His Eyes

At first the shock of that moment in the doctors office was unbearable, painful and terrifying! When my son ran into my arms, I wanted to take all of this away from him; as a parent when your child hurts you hurt. It took a while, but I had to learn that he wasn't hurting as I was. Keith has always had a strength in him...Some look at him and think he is unaware of the world around him. Say what you will, but I would much rather see the world through his eyes: completely content no matter what happens, whether is was due to lack of awareness or not. Nevertheless, from that day on, I consumed myself with finding out all I could about what autism was and wanted to know why and how this happens. I learned that when one hurts for any reason, most of it comes from wanting the answer to questions that start with these two words. "Why" and "how" cause so many people stress for years only leading to more confusion causing more anxiety. After years of blaming myself because there was no one else to blame, I realized that my focus was misplaced. Though I was using all the information I could to teach him, I wasn't allowing him to teach me. Things became so clear for me at different stages of his life because I learned to pay attention to how he saw things, which allowed me to help him in a way that was less stressful for everyone and more effective. To this day I try to pay close attention to how he sees things in order to help him...It isn't always easy for us, but we have to keep trying. Keith can do many things for himself because he wants to be independent and one day live on his own. That is something we all want for him, because it is something he wants for himself; one day that will happen! Everyone has heard that saying "you can't choose your family", but I would choose this life and this family every time! I am truly blessed to have the kids that I have and to have my best friend and husband beside me! Please feel free to leave a comment because I am grateful to have them!! Thanks for reading!! ~A Proud Mom~